Fits of Rage

I have anger issues.  God told me I was abusing my children when Kaylie was only 2.
It's so shameful I still don't share it that often.

I know what it's like to hear some strange-sounding voice come out of my head... to feel like
I'm standing back watching a maniac out of control... to feel like I have no control over the
maniac... then feeling remorse so great that it pours over my head like a waterfall... and I am
so low that even God doesn't want to look at me.  I know what it's like.

All I can say is - it's all lies.  You DO have control and God IS loving you so much... Jesus
is actually standing there praying for you right when you're doing it.  He is begging God to
send you an angel... or lots of angels... to fight off the demons for you in your weakness.

And your weakness didn't come by chance.  It came by choice.  You know the choice - it's
when you feel it boiling inside you and you've held it in too long and you finally say, 'screw
it!' and you give yourself over to your full anger.  Then you sit back and watch in horror...
wishing you could stop it but not knowing how.

Not very long ago, when I was doing that nearly everyday, I was desperate for help.  I had
learned this verse and vowed that everytime I reached that point, I would leave the room and
go say this verse.  (Phil 1.9-10  And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and
more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and
may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ.)  I knew that my love was not showing - it
was hate.  As a matter of fact, I thought my love was totally non-existent when that was
happening.  And who was it directed at?  My precious children.  Screaming fits of rage... at
little children... over a messy room... or disobedience... or being too slow.  I released a
screaming monster on the two precious people that I love more than my own life itself.  And
I did it over and over and over.  This wasn't my love showing.  Somewhere I couldn't discern
what was best... how to handle disobedient children.  I definately wasn't pure or blameless.
What kind of mommy am I?

So I started leaving the room and heading to my bathroom where I have this verse on a
notecard.  Through my raging tears, I would pick up the notecard and read it aloud.  Time
and again I would find myself in my bathroom.  The rage would die down, and I could go
back and throw my arms around my beautiful girls and cry and beg their forgiveness.  The
worst thing in the world EVER is to look in their faces and see fear... fear of me.  And yet,
every time, they forgive me.  Tori says, "Mommy, you know we'll always forgive you."

Yeah - well I don't want you to have to ever again!!!!

One day, not even a year ago, I was in the bathroom again.  My tears were so great, I
couldn't say the verse out loud.  That's when I heard Jesus say, "It's OK, I'm already praying
it for you.  I want your love to grow more and more, that you may be able to discern what is
best for my girls - the ones I gave you to raise."

If you are going through this, I don't know what to say except, I've been there.  And it only
gets worse if you continue to believe the lie that you can't fix it.  The truth is, ONLY you can
fix it.  God wants to help you.  Jesus is praying for you.  God is sending you angels.  Now,
it's all up to you.

Here is my prayer for you today: that your LOVE may abound more and more in knowledge
and depth of insight, SO THAT you may be able to discern what is BEST and may be PURE
and BLAMELESS until the day of Christ.